apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
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