you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
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I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
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Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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