everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
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btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
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Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
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