trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
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I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
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