alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
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