ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
?
Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
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The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
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I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
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