I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
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