$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
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Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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