I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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