my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
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