I could make wine with my vomit
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
sick fucks of a feather flock together
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
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