you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
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Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
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Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
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