omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
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I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
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So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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