saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
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He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
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I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
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