If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
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I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
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We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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