my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
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Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
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and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
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