I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
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