I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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