nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
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She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
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Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
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