Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
i wouldnt be suprised if in indian your name meant "walking lie"
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
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Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
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Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
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