I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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