Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
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She said she wanted to have closure sex.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
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No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
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