Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
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I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
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I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
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