She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
Randomize