I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
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My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
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i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
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