I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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