I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
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She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
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We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
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