there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
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My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
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