I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
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his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
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SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
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