You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
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Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
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Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
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