I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
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