So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
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I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
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I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
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