she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Randomize