I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
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Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
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