The maid of honor just puked.
One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
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