NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
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decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
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HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
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