True but thats because hes a fetus.
I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Normal people don't sit around and watch Degrassi for twelve hours...
FUCK YOU.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
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