im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
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