I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
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Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
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One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
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