What a fucking waste of an outfit
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
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Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
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That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
you made out with another girl for some wings
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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