I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
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You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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