But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
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We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
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I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
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