im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
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He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
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"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
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