I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
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