my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
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She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
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We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
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