Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
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