I accidentally burped into my bong.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
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Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
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Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
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