I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
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My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
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If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
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