i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
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You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
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Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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