If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
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